Ria's Story: "I Just Want to Feel Normal"

This story was shared by Ria, 16, who wanted others with strabismus to know they're not alone. It contains sensitive content about mental health and suicidal thoughts. If you're struggling, please reach out to a crisis line. You matter.

If you need support right now:

• Crisis Text Line (US): Text HOME to 741741
• Samaritans (UK): 116 123
• Childline (UK, under 19): 0800 1111
• International Association for Suicide Prevention: https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

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I'm writing this after crying for hours.

I have mostly esotropia and hypertropia, but also hypotropia when I look all the way to the side. I'm turning 16 this year, and strabismus has impacted me since I was 9 or 10 years old.

I had surgery when I was 3 or 4. I was supposed to have a second one, but my family moved countries. They only had to wait a few more months. Sometimes I think about how my whole life would have been different.

The Bullying Started Early

When I started secondary school, everyone knew me. People made fun of me because of my eyes. Kids five years older than me. People from other schools I'd never even heard of. They just knew me.

I remember being called names multiple times a day in corridors. Lessons out loud so everyone could hear. I don't think there was a day where I didn't get called names at least three times. I was pushed. Hit. People tried to fight me.

Teachers didn't care. I was suspended so many times. I got into trouble every day because I was reacting to the bullying. My head of year sent me to isolation for weeks. Detentions every day. The teachers knew it was because of the bullying, but I was the one getting punished.

I didn't have any friends. I ate lunch in the bathrooms. I got in trouble for that too.

The Darkest Times

I need to be honest about how bad it got.

When I was 9 or 10 years old, I told my mum I wanted to end my life. She didn't give it much attention. She said "oh it's a sin" and that was it. At that age, I prayed to God every night crying, asking him to take me in my sleep. I was researching ways to do it.

By 11, I became very depressed. In years 10 and 11, I turned to self-harm. I didn't know how else to cope.

I want to be honest about this because I want people to understand: living with strabismus isn't just about how our eyes look. The bullying, the isolation, the feeling of being different... it nearly cost me my life. Multiple times.

The only reason I'm still here is because of my dad and my sisters. I love them so much. But there were times when even that wasn't enough to make the pain stop.

Hiding Everything

I tried to ignore everyone. Hide my feelings. Pretend I was fine.

At home, I hide what I feel from my parents because I'm embarrassed by it. I don't like showing my feelings. When I asked my parents for strabismus surgery, they didn't take it seriously.

There was this one day where I couldn't hide my feelings anymore. I cried to my mum and she was confused. She said "why are you crying?" I didn't reply, but isn't it obvious? It was while I was asking her to help me get the surgery.

What It Feels Like

I don't make eye contact unless it's at a certain angle, because my strabismus looks worse at certain angles. Some days I just burst out crying. It can go on for weeks, months, or even just a day. But it impacts me so much.

I feel so ugly. I'm so embarrassed of myself. I never felt normal. I never felt human.

Every time as a child someone even noticed me, even a simple "hi," I used to feel so weird but happy at the same time. Because I never really got treated normal or human.

I'm so upset I never got to experience a normal life. If you relate to this, you might find comfort in reading about the emotional side of strabismus.

Why I'm Sharing This

I just wish people understood how strabismus makes us feel. The embarrassment. How it affects us emotionally. It affects our self esteem, our eye contact, everything. Our social interactions.

I don't even talk to new people. I don't go out to social events because of it.

I want people to know that this isn't just about how our eyes look. It goes so much deeper than that. I was suicidal for a long time. I came so close to ending it. I want people to take this condition seriously.

To Parents: Please Listen

If your child has strabismus, I need you to understand something.

When we cry about our eyes, we're not being dramatic. When we ask for surgery, we're not being vain. When we avoid social situations, we're not being difficult. We're trying to survive.

I told my mum I wanted to end my life when I was 10 years old. She said "it's a sin" and moved on. I needed her to hold me. I needed her to take me seriously. I needed her to fight for me to get the surgery, not dismiss it.

Your child might be hiding how much pain they're in because they're embarrassed. They might not have the words to explain it. But if they're coming to you about their eyes, please listen. Really listen.

Ask them how they're feeling. Believe them when they tell you. And if they need strabismus surgery, help them get it. Don't make them wait. Don't tell them it's not a big deal. Don't let them go through years of bullying and isolation when there might be something you can do.

If you're a parent trying to understand what your child is going through, learning about how strabismus affects self esteem might help.

To Anyone Going Through This

I don't even know what I would tell my 10 year old self. She was going through a lot. It was the worst time of my life.

But I'm still here. And if you're reading this and feeling the same way, you're still here too.

We deserve to feel normal. We deserve to be treated like humans. And even though it doesn't always feel like it, there are people who will see us for who we are, not just our eyes.

If you're struggling, please talk to someone. A counselor, a crisis line, anyone. You're not alone in this.

- Ria, 16

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You're Not Alone

If Ria's story resonated with you, you're not alone. Thousands of people with strabismus deal with these same feelings every day. Your pain is valid. Your struggles are real.

If you want to talk to someone who understands what you're going through, book a free consultation with Fadel. He's been through strabismus surgery himself and offers honest, judgment-free conversations about your options.

You can also join supportive communities like r/Strabismus on Reddit where thousands of people share their experiences.

If you need crisis support right now:

• Crisis Text Line (US): Text HOME to 741741
• Samaritans (UK): 116 123
• Childline (UK, under 19): 0800 1111
• International Association for Suicide Prevention: https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/